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Mr. J's 3 guidelines for dating... - Mista J, Killian, Toph or just "That Tall Guy"
cjl101
cjl101
Mr. J's 3 guidelines for dating...
So, this past weekend at BayCon was a blast!  Met lots of cool people, bought some cool stuff, got to cuddle with my wife (and a few other HOT babes!).  Along the way the subject of dating came up and I had the opportunity to relate my 3 rules for dating.  I developed these some years back and several people asked me to write them down for them so here goes.  Will they work for you?  Maybe.  I am reasonably confident that they worked for me given the beautiful, competent and intelligent woman I wound up marrying (see Poeso)!

Any set of rules/guidelines should be as succinct and unambiguous as possible which nessesitates them being  broadly worded.  It also means that there are clarifications for specific points (in case you didn't catch the obvious intent)  I have included a few.  Finally, like Asimov's Laws of Robotics, these rules are in an order for a good reason...

Rule #1:  Be comfortable with yourself!
If you can't be comfortable with yourself then other probably can't be either.
Being comfortable includes being comfortable around people you don't know or by yourself.  Don't always rely on the opinions of others. In the end, it is your opinion of yourself that matters.
Don't mistake Arrogance for Confidence.  The Arrogant need other people to be wrong so that they can be right which builds in weakness.  The Confident recognize that there are many viewpoints that can be right and refines their viewpoints by allowing them to be challenged.

Rule #2: Meet new people.
There are many people in the world who can be "right" for you.  The more people you  interact with the more likely you are to meet one of them. 
Just because someone appears to be "right" doesn't mean that they are not already taken or will ever be emotionally available to you.  Take heart, enjoy your time with them and LEARN what a "right" person looks like and looks for.  The worst that can happen is you get a cool new friend and maybe learn something about yourself.
Sometimes meeting new people means expanding upon the relationships you already have.  "Friend of a friend" is more likely to have common interests and come to you "pre vetted" by the people you already trust.
Make time for the people who make you feel good about yourself.  Who knows, one of the cool friends you have may have been waiting for you to become "emotionally available" and you may not have noticed it. Either way, it helps with Rule #1.

Rule #3: Avoid worthless relationships!
Admit it, everyone has gotten into or stayed in a relationship that is just not fullfilling and never will be. Sex, routine, emotional security, what ever the reason in the end all you are doing is keeping yourself from growing as a person.  Either work to improve the relationship you are in or get out!  Grow or leave.  Harsh, but this is the biggest trap most people fall in to: staying in a dead end relationship because they lack the confidence to either make it work or end it.
If you are not yet in a relationship, remember rule #1, enjoy being with yourself.  You don't need to get hooked up just to validate your self image.  Flirt, have fun, be daring, but don't date some one unless you see in them the qualities that make you say "wow, I'd be really happy to tell my friends I am dating this person"

There you have them.  Feel free to take what you like and ignore the rest.  Just a few bits of philosophy from my experience.  I hope they work for you as well as they do for me (if not better!)
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Comments
staurina From: staurina Date: May 28th, 2008 10:05 pm (UTC) (Link)

Work on Rule #2

Wow! I love your dating rules/guidelines. I've mostly gotten #1 down pat and I'm working on #2. I guess it helps to meet new people in order to find someone to date.

Always great to see you, poeso, and the Munchkin. I'll try to make it out on a Friday soon.
seaweasel From: seaweasel Date: May 28th, 2008 10:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

But Mistah J!

You forgot ta mention how ta drive a girl crazy.
poeso From: poeso Date: May 29th, 2008 06:21 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: But Mistah J!

Yeah he drives me crazy ALL the time
seaweasel From: seaweasel Date: May 30th, 2008 01:08 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: But Mistah J!

HEEE!
punning_pundit From: punning_pundit Date: May 28th, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Those look like good rules. I've generally tried to follow #1 and the others are also pretty good. Fortunately, I'm in a nice relationship right now, so I don't need the advice :)
stride From: stride Date: May 28th, 2008 11:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you for posting these. :)
kailara From: kailara Date: May 28th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
waywardbound From: waywardbound Date: May 29th, 2008 04:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for sharing these, and for posting them.

Over the weekend, I reflected a bit on how well I've been doing lately following these rules in the dating department. Mostly solid on 1, finally getting around to 2, and pretty decent on 3.

But now it's occurring to me that the same rules apply, with only slight variation, to one's professional life as well. I'll have to chew on this one over the coming weeks...

So double thanks.
fishknifeseller From: fishknifeseller Date: December 29th, 2008 05:18 am (UTC) (Link)
*sigh*

Made huge strides in #2 this year, getting better at #3, but seem to be getting worse at #1 for some reason, which is of course, the most important one.
ladyofdragons From: ladyofdragons Date: July 27th, 2009 07:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wow... how is it that I missed this? These are some incredible words of wisdom, beneficial even to those who are not dating! I keep trying to tell people #1, that often relationships will come your way if you are this and without even trying. Though of course, some #2 to provide for opportunity certainly helps. ^__^

Thanks for posting this, I may point a few people at this post in the future. ;)
cjl101 From: cjl101 Date: July 30th, 2009 05:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for the kind works Dragoness. I came up with these "rules" more than a decade ago and they work for me. Quite a few others people seem to like them as well (Waywardbound, Stride, BettyBaker, "the cool guy formerly known as Robot Joe but whose LJ name escapes me" to name a few. Like any philosophy, take what you like, ideas are common property.

By the way, you have definetly helped with rule#2 for me...
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